The Hetalia Singer
by SpazztikXpRiDe18
Summary: America and his kids, the states, put on the musical The Wedding Singer. Cue the chaos.
1. Pork and Corn

A/N: This is a fanfiction based on APH, with characterizations of the different states putting on a musical. It's a bit crackish, but take it for what it is XD.

Disclaimer: I do now own any of the contries, and the only states I own in this chapter are Tennessee, Idaho, Illinois, and Mississippi. Others belong to some of my friends, such as the lovely Reaper-Lawliet and HalfBloodWarriorKitty.

"So kids, I've had a brilliant idea!" There was a gleam in America's eyes that was quite frankly frightening. The United States of America had been put through enough of America's schemes to realize that with him "brilliant" usually meant "insane." Even Hawaii looked wary.

"Some of us are hardly younger than you," Massachusetts pointed out matter-of-factly in response to being referred to as a "kid." Linus, the resident Masshole of the U.S., received a few eye rolls from his fellow states. America chose to ignore him.

Texas frowned, tugging on her long red braid. "What is it?"

Adjusting his glasses proudly America exclaimed, "We're putting on a musical!"

There was never a more infinite silence.

Expressions on each side of the spectrum were represented. New York almost smiled, although Ben would never admit it if questioned. Connecticut cocked his head, not that anyone would notice because well, he was Connecticut. Tennessee was beaming, fingers twitching like they wanted to strum Nashville, her acoustic guitar.

But one question was present on everyone's expressions, although it was only voiced by eight-year-old Idaho: "Why?"  
America shrugged, slurping his soft drink. "Family Bonding. Fun. Distracting China from asking me to pay him back. Anyway, we're going to do 'The Wedding Singer.' Auditions are in a week, so practice up! My receptionist here will handout the music." He gestured to a woman standing behind him with a tight bun and even tighter expression, who clearly felt they had better things to do.

"Now, I've got to go. Goodbye!" And with that, he fled the room. Probably to go get food.

*****

After being handed the sheet music and driven over to the local community center, which dear old dad had rented out entirely, everyone let off some steam.

"Maybe I'll get a lead role! Then I'll have to be made a state!" Little Long Island seemed eager, if only for all of the wrong reasons.

"What are you doing here?" Ben snapped at him. He wasn't a rude person all the time, but Long Island just seemed to bring out the worst in him. So did Linus, and lack of coffee, and a multitude of other things that would take too long to list.

"Same thing as you," Long Island said innocently to his big brother New York.

"Get out!" New York glared at him.

A few minute of fighting later and Long Island left the theater. But even with the pest removed, NY remained ticked off.

"Cheer up, Ben, this'll be huge!" Tennessee chimed, playing a little ditty on her instrument. It figured that she would be excited; Alba was probably the most musical of any of them.

"That's what she said!" Road Island was almost making those damn jokes.

Illinois shrugged. "I just wish we'd done Avenue Q instead."

"We couldn't have, there are too many little kids," Connecticut pointed out. Apparently he had the same invisibility-affect as Uncle Mathew, because no one heard him. Expected, when many seem to think of you only as "a highway between MA and NY."

"Yeah! That would've been a blast," Jessie said, her eyes wild. "Forget this cheesy stuff! I mean really, 'Someday when it's me/ I'll know our love was meant to be"? Now, with Avenue Q…well, just picture it." And with that her and Indiana climbed onto the stage and started singing "The Internet is for Porn."

"The internet is really really great -"

"For porn!" Indiana exclaimed, just like Trekkie Monster.

"I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait -"

"For porn!"

Neither of the two stopped grinning and singing. That is, until the doors in the back opened.

"For - CORN!" Eyes widening, Indiana changed the word abruptly. "Why do you think the net was born? For…corn, corn, corn." He let his voice fade sheepishly.

Jessie frowned. "Henry, what are you doing? You can't just change the line like that! The word is porn."

If possible Indiana's eyes grew even wider as he gestured wildly to the back of the room. "No, Jessie, it's corn."

"What? Not it's not! I don't care about the audience! It's just our siblings, dude. Really, the word isn't corn, it's porn. Porn, porn, por -" Finally turning around, her face paled abruptly. "-orn," she finished, her voice dropping.

The three youngest of the family, Hawaii, Idaho, and Alaska, were standing there. Juno, who at thirteen was the oldest of the three, wheeled Hawaii around. "Come on, I think I left something in the bathroom, Hannako." And with that only Jem was standing there.

Jem, who was the family's sweet little brother. Jem, who Henry was insanely protective over, even though they weren't blood-related, like some of the other states. Jem, who had just heard the world "porn".  
Right on cue, Idaho cocked his head. "What's that?" He ran up towards the stage to be by his brothers and sisters.

"What's what?" Indiana asked nonchalantly as he threw his arm around Idaho's shoulder. Tennessee who hadn't stopped playing her guitar since they'd gotten there, stopped. Mississippi and Alabama's jaws dropped like mirror images. And Illinois - well, he just looked like he was trying not to crack up.

"What Jessie just said - porn." He asked with a tone of pure, blatant curiousity and innocence.

"Well, it's…it's - I can't explain it, Texas. Why don't you?"

Shooting Henry a quick death glare, Texas folded her hands. "Well," she said calmly, "It's…a Tex-Mex food! Made of…pork. Pork and corn. It…it even has some potatoes in it! It's really popular in my state!"

"Oh," Jem said. "Is it good?"

If Texas held in her laughter anymore, her face would burst

"Delicious. Now, why don't you have someone bring you to the Dunkin' Donuts where Dad is? You can go get something for lunch."

"Okay, bye you guys!" He gave Indiana a brief hug before dashing back outside.

The second the door closed Illinois burst out laughing. "I can't believe you two just -"

"Shut it, Jack," Texas growled with a glare in his direction, but it wasn't very affective, seeing as she guffawed as she said it.

*****  
"I'm so glad you're out to eat with me, bro." Canada couldn't be any more happy. He was sitting, having coffee - with not enough maple syrup in it, mind you - with his brother America, who had finally taken the time to spend quality time with him. Sure, America could be annoying, and selfish, and a pain in the…but still, he was his brother!

"Yeah, I know. You said so five times, Matthew," Alfred said dismissively. "Now listen, we really need to talk about Niagara. I'm sick of always hearing that the States have the crappy side of it, so I was thinking -"

"Hi, Dad!" Idaho walked in the doors and walked over to the small table with the two nations. "Oh, hi Uncle Matthew - didn't see you there."

Canada nodded, understanding. Like Connecticut was mistaken for a highway, he was simply "America's hat."

"What are you doing here, Idaho?" America asked incredulously as he was enveloped in a hug. Then he smiled and scoffed like he got it. "I know, you just didn't want to be away from me for long, huh squirt?"

"Uh, yeah, sure dad." Even little Jem knew not to hurt his Dad's inflated ego. "I'm really hungry, I wanted to ask if you could go to lunch with me at Poncho's."

America bit into his donut. "The Mexican place? Why?" he asked around the mouthful of pastry.

"Because I want to try porn!"

Alfred stopped chewing. Kimajiro cocked his head cutely, asking "Who?"

"That's Jem, Kumajifu," Canada informed quietly.

America didn't even bother to correct him about his own pet's name.

"Why would you want that, Jem?"

"Because it's supposed to be really good! And I'm really hungry." Idaho tugged on his Dad's sleeves. "So can I get some porn?"

Then something amazing happened: America stood up, abandoning his coffee and food. "Let's go home, kid. I'm sure everyone's back there by now."

"But - but I want some porn!" Idaho whined. It wasn't too loud, but Dunkin' Donuts was a small place. Everyone in it heard. "Can I please have some porn, Dad?"

"We're going," Alfred said shortly, slinging the small boy over his shoulder as Matthew followed silently and the woman behind the counter laughed so hard that she had to wipe tears from her eyes. Idaho pounded on America's back, confused and angry. What had he done wrong?!

The three drove off in America's oh-so-ostentatious Old Glory-printed sports car. "So, what exactly do you think porn is?" He questioned.

"It's pork and corn with some potatoes in it. It's Tex-Mex food!"

"Who told you that? Oh, I bet it was his older brother Oregon." America's fingers twitched irritably on the wheel.

"Why him?" Canada asked, stroking his polar bear.

"Because - because - because he's gay!" America shouted for lack of better excuse.

"What does being happy have to do with anything?"

At the sound of Idaho's questioned, America stopped the car abruptly. "What?"

Idaho frowned. "You said Oregon was gay. That means he's really happy. Like, Long Island didn't seem very gay after he came out in the hall when New York kicked him out."

"No, he's not gay at all. He's…depressed and a pessimist." Neither of these were true, but that was far from the point.

Idaho's face softened guiltily. "And you don't look very gay right now, Daddy."

"No, I'm not. In any sense of the word." America turned around, laying his head exasperatedly on the steering wheel.

"What are they teaching him?" Canada whispered.

"This is what I get for giving those states so much free reign…"

"Dad, why did you stop the car?"

Alfred sighed, starting to drive again. "So, if it's not Oregon, who do you think told him it?"

Canada seemed thoughtful. "Well, he said that he thinks porn is Tex-Mex food. So maybe it's -"

"Jessie."

*****  
After dropping Canada back off at the airport (much to the quiet nation's chagrin), America and Idaho came back to the house. When there, Alfred kicked in the door.

"Jessie!"

Texas poked her red head out of one of the doors upstairs. "What's up? Oh wow, you look ticked about something."

"Get down here!"

She shook her head. "Can't do. I'm practicing the audition song with -"

"JESSICA JONES!"

Texas's left eye twitched angrily. No one called her Jessica. "It's Jessie. I really wish you wouldn't call me…that. Mexico called me that. Don't call me that!"

She crossed her arms angrily.

"Then get down here!"

Steam practically curling out of her ears, Texas stomped down the stairs. Several states who had heard the screaming followed.

"Idaho, I want you to go upstairs and play with Oregon and Washington."

"But I want to -"

"Jeremy." America scowled in a voice that showed he wasn't to be messed with. Jem skulked up the stairs, wondering what he did to get onto full-name

basis.

The states all sat down on the couches in the living room, waiting patiently to see what was going on.

"Okay, all of you out - except for you, Jessie."

"What?! But it wasn't just me - it was Henry, too!" At this accusation, Indiana's jaw went slack.

"I tried to change the lyric! You were the one who went on correcting me!"

"Well you just gestured to the door like we were playing charades!"

"I was trying to be subtle."

"Subtle? Why bother - he's eight!"

Not wanting to cross their powerful father - or get involved in yet another sibling argument - everybody slunk off.

"I'll just be - um - going…" Illinois got out between stifled laughs as he walked away.

"Get back here, Jack!" America commanded. "You're acting like you had something to do with this."

Illinois nodded, acting serious. "Yeah, but I didn't. I just said that I wished we could've done Avenue Q. I'm not the one who started singing 'The Internet is for Porn.'"

Alfred looked him up and down as if sizing him up. "Okay, you're free to go." With that Illinois walked away, briefly turning around and mouthing "suckers!" while his father's back was turned.

"Now, you two," he began, directing them over to a couch and big armchair across from it. "Tell me what happened!"

"Well, Jessie started singing 'The Internet is for Porn' -"

"And Henry changed the word to 'corn' when Jem came in, only I didn't know he'd come in because he didn't tell me!"

America put his hands on his hips. "And how does this lead to him thinking that it's Tex-Mex food?!"

Texas shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, I figured I had to cover it up, so I told him porn was pork and corn, and -"

"So you did it?"

"What?" She glared angrily at the nation. "No! No, it wasn't my fault."

America shook his head, stubborn as ever. "You two should know better than this. You're thirteen and fourteen -"

"We're both sixteen, actually -"

"- and still doing stupid things like this!" America ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "Henry, you're good."

"Thank you, Dad!" Indiana sighed in relief as he walked out of the room.

"What are you gonna do, ground me?" Texas asked as she crossed her arms.

"No. You're good, too, if you can convince Jem that porn isn't pork and corn with potatoes - without telling him what it actually is, of course," he added hastily.

Texas thought of arguing this farther. After all, she hadn't done anything wrong - it was just a small mistake. Not that she'd even admit that at this point. She was as stubborn as her dad. But unlike him, she knew when not to bother. So she wouldn't fight this - now Henry, him she'd have to do something about.

"Okay. Fine."

*****

"So, it's not actually good?" Idaho questioned through a mouthful of his lunch - a baked potato which New Hampshire had cooked for him. So much for Tex-Mex.

"No. It's really, really awful," Texas informed vehemently.

Idaho frowned. "But didn't you say it was really popular?"

The states who were sitting around them in the living room had all wondered how Jessie would worm her way out of this. Each one of them had heard about what happened one way or another. Things had a tendency to get around in their house.

"Yes, it is - but, but only among three people. And they have taste-bud deficiency!"

Several of the states chose that moment to pass off a laugh as a cough, snort, or sneeze, even Alabama and Connecticut.

"…Oh." Idaho nodded as if he understood, although he was surely a bit confused.

"Just make sure you don't mention it again, Jem," Indiana urged. "People hate it so much that they get angry when you mention it!"

"Got it, Indy." Idaho smiled, content sitting there with his finished lunch and pet beaver Michie. (The animals tended to follow his blood-brother Oregon, the Beaver State, around, and he had let him keep one.)

Louisiana, France's son and the honorary pervert of the family, walked upstairs with a big cardboard box in his hands. "Guys, who hid my porn?!" He

shouted angrily.

"You don't want to have that," Idaho chimed eagerly, wanting to show off his new knowledge. "It's supposed to be really bad. Only people with taste-bud deficiency like it!"

The look on Louisiana's face was priceless. (Or at least worth more than all of the vintage porn in that ginormous box he was holding.)


	2. Try Outs and Tribulations

**A/N: **Much like the last, this chapter was inspired by random roleplaying with my friends. (So yeah, it's still pretty crackish.) You'll get to meet a few more people, though! And soon, they're going to start buckling down (a bit) on the show!

**Disclaimer:** In this chapter I only own Tennessee, Illinois, Montana, Missouri and Mississippi. All of the others belong to various friends, who I credited in my last chapter. You guys know who you are!

"Hey, Juno, can you get the milk for the pancakes?" New Hampshire, the family's resident cooking-fanatic, was making breakfast as usual. Not an easy task when you were cooking for 50 people, most of who had extremely large appetites.

But when Alaska grabbed the carton of milk out the fridge like she was asked, she didn't see that the one she picked up was labeled "The Dairy King's Milk, DO NOT TOUCH."

"Hey!" Wisconsin screamed as he saw Juno grabbing the carton out of the fridge. In a second flat he'd ran over and taken the carton from her. "Don't touch my milk!"

"Danny, why are you talking kind of…?" Alaska trailed off quietly.

"What?"

Juno shook her head dismissively. Wisconsin couldn't be drunk - all he ever drank was milk.

Of course, she didn't know that Danny, knowing America wouldn't let him have beer, always spiked his carton.

"So, Danny, what are you singing for the audition?" New Hampshire asked as he was handed a different milk carton.

"Well, I couldn't decide so I just picked whatever I opened the song book up to. But, it opened onto this chick 'Linda's Song,' so I did the next one. It's 'Single.'"

New Hampshire smiled as he flipped over the pancakes. "Figures that you'd - DARCY!"

Mississippi, who had just ran into the kitchen, had ran right into New Hampshire, causing the steaming pan to fall to the floor.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She blushed as she twirled her hands through her long ponytail, which stood for the Mississippi River. "Rehearsal's going to start soon, Texas told me to come get you guys."

"But - the pancakes -"

"Forget them!" As if summoned by her name Jessie ran in. Seeing the steam rolling off the cracked pan she swiftly took the nozzle of the sink and sprayed cold water on it. "It's not even noon, and you broke something already," she lamented.

Pouting and grumbling about how the pancakes were going to be chocolate chip, New Hamshire followed Texas with the rest of the states out the door.

*****

As it is with any audition, waiting to go was the worse part.

"Can you guys keep it down please?" Oklahoma tapped her feet anxiously "I'm studying the lyrics!"

The volume level of the bickering and talking didn't change - it was amazing no one lost it.

Well, that wasn't totally true. Texas did, a bit, getting so annoyed at Indiana that she gave him a famous Texan-wedgie. But she'd been mad at him anyway.

"Jessie, what the hell?!" Henry had screamed, eyes watering.

"You had to see this one coming," she laughed as he fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.

"Are you okay?" Tennessee looked down on him with wide eyes, biting her lower lip to stifle any small giggle that may have slipped through. Indiana didn't answer; he only let out another whine of pain as Idaho tried to help him stand up.

Tennessee shook her head and looked up, raising an eyebrow at Texas. "Jessie, did you _really _have to do that to Henry?"

Texas shrugged. "You know it's funny, and that he deserved it."

But before Tennessee could protest to her friend on poor IN's behalf, one of the hall doors opened.

"Tennessee and Alabama!" America's receptionist, who looked peeved as usual, called out the door. There were so many people that Alfred had decided that those who were singing the same song - and who could get along well enough - should audition together.

The room was small and felt rather claustrophobic. Alfred's receptionist sat down huffily in the corner, checking something off on her clipboard. And two countries sat at the table.

"So, what are you guys singing?" France, who was a big fan of music, had decided to help America with the audition process. Tennessee was usually a bit uncomfortable around him, but Alabama, France's son, was there. France wouldn't be that bad in front of him - right?

Tennessee stroked the neck of her guitar as she gave Alabama a small reassuring smile. "You'll see," she said in a sing-song tone.

Alba strummed the first note on Nashville, and Richie, who was an amateur guitarist, watched her fingers pluck the strings. The two sang "Grow Old With You" in perfect harmony:

"_I'll miss you, kiss you,_

_Take your shoes off and rub your feet._

_Need you, feed you,_

_And when we play checkers I'll let you cheat._

_So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink,_

_Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink._

_Oh I could be the one who grows old with you._

_I want to grow old with you."_

Tennessee beamed at Alabama as he ducked his head shyly. Besides a "good job," they didn't expect any comments - any opinions would be shown clearly enough on the cast list. But that didn't stop France.

"Oh, _mes amours_! You too look _tres mignons _together!" While Alba simply looked awkward, Alabama looked away, whining "_Dad…_she's practically my sister!_"_

It was sort of true. They weren't blood-related states, but they'd all just about grown up together, even if they all weren't close. It would have weirded them out if anyone had suggested it - that it came from France just made it creepy.

France shrugged, as if this shouldn't be a problem, while America told them to send in the next people.

*****

If the last audition hadn't been odd enough, the next one would be. Louisiana had chosen to sing "Single" because it just fit him. Wisconsin chose to sing it because it's what his song book had flipped open to. The two weren't exactly close, but they had no qualms with each other.

"Hi, Dad!" Louisiana said excitedly once he saw France there. He wasn't the only French state, but he certainly was the most like him. With his light hair and clear blue eyes (and French accent), Eduard he was what most girls would consider attractive. He was also what most of the other states considered a man-whore.

"What are you singing, _mon fils_?" France asked, smiling. He had a few kids who were states, but he was closest to LA.

" 'Single,'" Eduard said, looking a bit too proud.

"Oh, that's perfect for -"

America cleared his throat to interrupt them.

"Oh, right," France said with a sly grin.

"_No one minds the laundry on your floor."_

"_No one pouts with every chick you look at."_

"_No one tries to clean you're porno drawer," _Louisiana sang, winking at his father. Danny simply shook his head, somewhat shocked even though he knew he truly shouldn't be.

"_No one traps you with -"_

" '_Does my ass look fat?!'" _

One thing that needed to be said for the two - they were amusing. Between Danny's slight drunken slurring and Louisiana's suggestive sways, there were only two natural reactions to the performance: putting your head in your hands or just laughing.

"Aw, it was _drole_, boys. _Tres drole_."

America bit a French fry, sharp with annoyance. "France! This is _my _production - don't go around giving everyone comments!"

"Alfred, I only -"

"Okay, boys, go on," America sighed. "Nothing to see here."

*****

The next person to walk in, Missouri, came in to see France with a duct-taped mouth and hands tied behind his back. He didn't question it, though. He was a state, and he was just as used to weird crap as Jessie.

"So, America, listen. Musicals…well, they're not my thing. So I'd really rather not even audition."

America frowned, seeming offended. "Come on, you've at least gotta try, Sawyer!"

"No, not really," he replied, rubbing the scar on his cheek awkwardly. He had gotten it during the Civil War, from the St. Louis Massacre. Sawyer had been pretty young when it had happened, and it had really shaped his outlook on everything. It had given him his scar, which he rubbed as a nervous twitch. It had given him a friend in quiet Connecticut, who had really seemed to care when he was hurt, and who he'd felt awful for after the poor guy was blinded in one eye. It had made him tough, stubborn, blunt.

The kind of person who didn't want to put up with musical fluff.

However, he did care about America. And he didn't like seeing him look so pissed off, so he sighed and sang one verse:

"_So when it's your wedding day_

_And my music starts to play_

_I can guarantee that love will find you._

_Oh when it's your wedding day_

_All our problems melt away_

_If you count on me, 'cause love is what I do."_

He didn't have the best voice to begin with, but still he sang the bit of music purposely as off key as he could manage. The verse had everything he hated about musicals wrapped up in one sparkly froo-froo package. Sadly, he'd heard a few of the male states practicing it enough times to memorize that much.

"Can I go now?"

France was mumbling in protest under his restraints. America, however, simply nodded with disappointment.

*****

Later that day, after the singing auditions and the mass dancing one, not everyone was in the best mood. Some were anxious, some were nervous, some were pissed off, some were depressed - you get the point. This led Texas to an idea that could kill two birds with one stone.

"Hey everyone, come down to the living room - it's important!" Jessie took her finger off the intercom button which connected to a small speaker in everyone's room. It was a big house, and there was pretty much no other way to inform everyone of anything.

Tennessee was the first one down the stairs. "Is it the cast list?" she asked anxiously.

"Nope, it's even better. You'll see," Jessie said with a mischievous smile.

Alba narrowed her eyes in mock-consternation. "Should I be afraid?"

"Not you," Texas replied matter-of-factly.

Everyone else followed suit, many with similar queries about whether this was related to the play or "who's hurt now?"

"So, I figured to take our minds off of all this musical stuff, we could all go to a rodeo!"

Most of the states which were considered to be "hicks," even Montana, smiled or let out some sort of "yeehaw" sound at the suggestion. The rest of them didn't look so thrilled.

"Why?" Indiana questioned suspiciously.

Jessie shrugged, trying to look indifferent to his inquiries. "Well, it'll cheer everyone up. And…well, consider it an apology for what I did earlier." She looked at him, her brown eyes big and pleading.

Indiana should have been suspicious of this, especially considering Texas was the grudgey-type. However, he was also a bit of a softy. "Okay," he sighed with a small smile.

"I don't want to go to some rodeo," Massachusetts said. He wasn't trying to be mean or anything, he was just being…well, Linus.

"But you'll really like this one!" Texas insisted. "Trust me, I've got something special planned for y'all."

So after a few minutes of convincing, and then another few or dividing everyone up into different cars, everyone was on their way to the rodeo. Texas's car led the long line.

Tennessee, who had insisted on driving due to a slight fear of Texas's road rage, turned her head slightly to the redhead in the passenger seat. "Come on, Jessie, spill. What have you got up your sleeve?"

"Nothing!" she protested as if hurt. But when Alba raised an eyebrow at her, she smiled. "Nothing much, anyway."

"Another revenge thing?" Montana, who was sitting in the back, leaned her chin on Jessie's seat.

"You'll see, Terra," Jessie sing-songed.

It took them almost an hour to get to the nearest rodeo.

"Super fun, Tex; who doesn't love a long car ride?" Illinois jabbed sarcastically, getting out of the car Indiana drove.

Jessie smiled mischievously. "It'll be more than worth it."

They all walked up by the large doors, which an even larger man stood in front of. He was big, buff, and bald. It sort of figured, yet was still a bit of a surprise, that Texas seemed acquainted with him.

She nodded to the southern Incredible Hulk. "Hey, Billy."

He tipped his large cowboy hat at her. "And what are y'all in for today, Miss Jones?"

Getting up on her tiptoes, she whispered into the man's ear.

In response Billy rubbed his stubble thoughtfully. "You sure?"

"Positive."

Shrugging in a "oh well, it's your choice" type of way, Billy lead them inside and through crowds of people. A bunch of men and women in cowboy hats and handkerchiefs were talking and laughing, swigging large cups of beer. They were gathered around the bar, around a small indoor racetrack, and around another spectacle. What it was, the states couldn't tell; the people were so tight packed.

"Y'all go grab good seats; I just need to show Henry here something," Jessie chimed, tugging on Indiana's arm.

"I'll save you a seat bro," Illinois said as he walked away with the other states.

"Don't put gum in it!" Henry called.

Texas walked around with him, leading him to the stables by the large attraction. "So what's back here?" he asked nervously.

"This guy," Jessie said beaming. She rose her arms gesturing to a large bull in a pen. Its black fur and eyes gleamed in the light.

Indiana's eyes widened. "What _is _that?" He jumped back.

"He's my pet bull." She stepped forward and rubbed his nose affectionately, making sure to cover the name plate on the fence that said _El Diablo. _

Henry shook his head. "First a stallion named Satan, now this?"

"Yup!" She walked over to a nail on the wall, grabbing a saddle. "And you're going to ride him."

"What?! Hell no!" he exclaimed. "Are you crazy?"

"No, he's really gentle," Jessie insisted. "This is my way to make it up to you. You'll have a lot of fun!"

"But -"

"I planned this just for you." Jessie twisted the end of her braid in a dejected way. "I thought you'd like it…"

"It's not that, it's just - that thing could kill me!"

"That's not true," she protested. "You're a state - you can't die that easily. Besides, I wouldn't let you. This guy is harmless." Even as she was trying to convince him, she was settling the black bull up.

"Well…I don't know." Indiana sounded hesitant, but Jessie knew that she had him.

In a few minutes Henry was climbing up a small stepladder into the leather saddle. "Holy crap, it's really high up here!" He looked down in panic.

Texas smiled reassuringly. "Just hold on tight and squeeze with your knees - you won't fall off, I promise." Her eyes seemed to darken slightly as she said it, but Henry ignored the observation, figuring it was just a trick of the light.

"Now, got get 'em!" She handed him a cowboy hat which he strapped onto his head and lead him out into the ring with the large crowd gathered round.

"And next up - Henry Jones!" The announcers voice rang through the ring.

"Hey, there's Indiana!" Idaho pointed into the middle of the ring.

"Woah!" New York, who had managed to get a beer without Linus noticing, did a spit take.

"What is he doing?" Virginia asked Massachusetts in alarm.

"I have no idea, Avery. Not a clue."

At first Indiana wasn't half bad. The bull bucked around a little bit, but he held on pretty good. "Whooooooohooo!" He screamed, letting go with one hand and waving it above his head.

That set El Diablo off.

The bull started to jump around like crazy, and in an instant Henry's face changed from ecstasy to fear.

Seeming to realize the danger, Illinois stopped laughing and looked genuinely afraid. "Roll off it, dude!"

Indiana nodded, throwing all his weight to one side - only, he didn't fall off. "What the -?!"

Annoyed with the weight on his back, the bull started to get rather ferocious. He ran up to the edge of the pin, knocking his unfortunate rider into the side.

"Jessie, you didn't!" Tennessee shook her friend's shoulder.

Texas shrugged uncomfortably. "Maybe I didn't think this one through…"

"MOTHER - OW!" The bull had gotten enough of running into the wall, so it started to run in tight circles that made everyone dizzy just looking at it. "GET ME OFF THIS THING!" At this point Henry's eyes were watering as he screamed in hysteria.

"Roll off!" Illinois called again as the bull passed by near them. It didn't matter that the ground was a good few feet down - it had to be better than riding that thing.

"I'M STUCK!"

Seeming to realize that there wasn't any other way off, Indiana threw away whatever was left of his dignity and unbuckled his belt, sliding out of his pants.

He tumbled to the ground (in his Colts boxers) with a thud, rolling a bit before the announcer rang the buzzer. "Y'all take a five minute recess while we fix out some, um, technical difficulties," the voice over the speaker said.

"Henry!" As the crowd dispersed Illinois hopped over the side, running over to his brother. "Dude, are you okay? What the hell?!"

Idaho followed, running up and hugging him, wiping a few stray tears off of Henry's face. "Don't cry, Henry," he said, holding on to him tight. "It's over."

Normally Jessie would've found the sight insanely adorably, but she was too busy being glared at. And not just by Henry, whose eyes bored at her through the blood on his face.

"I'm - Shit, I'm really sorry, guys," she whined, her eyes pleading genuinely for the first time that day. "I didn't think it would go that far…"

"That far? You -" His eyes widened in realization "-you stuck magnets into the saddle, didn't you?!" Indiana looked at her in disbelief.

"And the back of your pants when I did the laundry," she admitted. "But I'll make it up to you, I promise!"

"What were you thinking?" Massachusetts asked as New Jersey tended to Indiana's wounds with the first-aid kit he seemed able to conjure out of thin air.

"That I wanted to get back at him." Normally she would've seemed defensive, but this time Jessie really knew she was wrong.

"And you guys think I'm messed up," New York said drunkenly.

*****

"I am so dead…" Texas groaned as she walked up to the door of their large house. A few of the states had gone with Indiana to the hospital. (Although New Jersey had seemed to patch him up pretty well, Nicolas had still insisted that he could've missed something.)

Tennessee patted her shoulder sympathetically. "Maybe it won't be too bad," she suggested half-heartedly. Even she didn't totally believe that.

"Well, it was sort of mean of you," Mississippi chirped sheepishly, walking past.

"Really, Darcy? I had no clue!" Texas snapped.

"Chill, okay? Maybe he won't be hurt too bad," Alba said.

Jessie was about to reply, but New York's voice interrupted her.

"Yo, guys!" He walked out onto the front steps, waving a piece of paper. "The cast list is here!"


	3. First Rehearsal

**A/N**: Don't think this chapter is just a long list - the actual thing comes after it! So read on! XD

**Disclaimer**: I don't own!

**The Wedding Singer **

**Cast List**

_Robbie_ Richie Bonnefoy-Jones (Alabama)

_Julia _Alba Jones (Tennessee)

_Linda _

_Holly_ Jessie Jones (Texas)

_Sammy_ Jack Jones (Illinois)

_George_ Jason Jones (Oregon)

_Glen_ Eduard Bonnefoy-Jones (Louisiana)

_Grandma _Daisy Jones (Florida)

_Angie_ Ivy Jones (Nebraska)

_First Wedding_

_Bride _Victoria Jones (Vermont)

_Groom _Linus Jones (Massachusetts)

_Drunken Best Man _Ben Jones (New York)

"_Pop! The Question" _

_Couple 1 (Mookie & Crystal) _Ryan Jones (Michigan)

Avery Jones (Virginia)

_Couple 2 (Donny & Tiffany) _Jake Jones (Washington)

Dorothy Jones (Kansas)

_Couple 3 (Gay Waiters) _Harrison Jones (Delaware)

Millon Jones (Pennsylvania)

"_Casualty of Love"_

_Bride_ Constanza Jones (Oklahoma)

_Groom _Nicolas Jones (New Jersey)

_Bar Mitzvah Scene_

_Jason Shapiro _Jeremy Jones (Idaho)

"_Not That Kind of Thing"_

_Store Clerk _ Ardelia Jones (North Carolina)

"_All About the Green"_

_Secretary _ Victoria Jones (Vermont)

"_All About the Green (Reprise) and "Single"_

_Ricky _Henry Jones (Indiana)

_Bum_ Daniel Jones (Wisconsin)

_Dances ("Saturday Night in the City", "All About the Green", General)_

Constanza Jones (Oklahoma)

Terra Jones (Montana)

Candice Jones (California)

Lynn Jones (Georgia)

Harlan Jones (Kentucky)

William Jones (Minnesota)

Quinton Jones (Nevada)

Carter Jones (New Hampshire)

Jasper Jones (North Dakota)

Lacey Jones (Utah)

_Impersonators_

_Fake Ronald Reagan _America

_Fake Billy Idol _France

_Fake Mr. T _England

_Fake Cindi Lauper_ Avery Jones (Virginia)

_Fake Imelda Marcos _Candice Jones (California)

_Fake Tina Turner _ Lynn Jones (Georgia)

_Ensemble and Stage Crew_

Everyone else.

"Wow," Alba laughed almost disbelievingly once Ben finished reading off the cast list.

"You knew you'd get some lead," Texas said, rolling her eyes but smiling all the same.

Alba hugged her congratulatory. "It sounds like you did too, you know!"

Texas nodded thoughtfully. "Holly's a pretty cool name. Maybe it'll be a cool part, too."

Ben scoffed. "I guess you didn't look up the show, huh?"

Jessie crossed her arms. "No I didn't, Broadway Boy. Why?"

"Because," New York explained, "she's the female lead Julia's slutty best friend."

Her jaw stiffening, Jessie mumbled, "Maybe she just dressed slutty in the performance you saw…"

"Nope," Ben said matter-of-factly. "It says so in the script."

Jessie clenched her fingers tightly. "Great!" she snipped sarcastically. She liked to sing, and knew that it was good to get a lead. And she wasn't exactly the most conservative dresser: her usual outfit consisted of a short-sleeved plaid shirt worn open over a tank top, a short denim skirt, and leather cowgirl boots. But that didn't mean she wanted to play a slut!

However, once Ben explained some of the major parts to everyone, Texas wasn't the only one frustrated with her "good fortune." In fact, Mississippi was downright mortified.

"Oh my God…" she mumbled, her face turning red just thinking about it.

"What's the matter, sis?" Alabama asked as he walked in the door, just arriving home after having volunteered to go with Illinois and Indiana to the hospital.

Darcy's blue-green eyes stared down at her tattered shoes, at _anything_ but her brother's face. "I got the part of Linda," she told her feet.

"A name part? That's awesome," Richie said with a warm smile, throwing his arms around his slightly shorter twin.

She pushed her forehead into his shoulder. "Yeah, but I have to act like a…jerk and…seduce someone."

Frowning, Richie let go of his sister. "Well hey, it's just a musical, right?" He rubbed his shoulder awkwardly, revealing the pink heart on his red sleeve which stood for the heart of Dixie.

"Yeah, it's going to be the lead Robbie, who I breakup with earlier in the show. And he's…" she crossed her arms and squeezed her eyes shut as if trying to block something out. "_You _got the part of Robbie."

"Really? Wow, that's -" the beaming smile dropped off of Richie's face once he realized what that meant. "…Oh."

Just then, Indiana walked in the door, limping and being supported on Illinois's shoulder.

"What's all the screaming about?" Indiana asked, sounding sleepy.

"They put him on pain drugs," Illinois explained. It was pretty evident why. Not only did poor Henry have a supportive boot on his left ankle for a sprain, but the whole left side of his face was bruised. In fact, nearly every exposed inch of skin had some sort of bruise on it.

"Indie, are you okay?" Idaho, who had been sitting on the couch with his brother Oregon after having not been allowed to go to the hospital with Henry, Jack, and Richie, ran up to the injured boy. He stopped short and hugged him gingerly.

"I'm fine Jem, just a bit of bruised dignity," Indiana assured with a smile as he swayed slightly.

"Well, I know what'll clear that right up," Tennessee said, grinning at Indiana. "You get to play Ricky!"

"Who?" he questioned.

"Well...it's not the best part…he's a bartender in a number where the boy parts are all singing about being single. But you get a name and singing lines, and it's a funny part."

Indiana rubbed his eyes. "Cool, I guess."

"What about me?" Illinois asked, helping his brother onto the couch.

"You're Sammy," Ben informed him.

"Whoot!" Jack pumped his fist into the air, smiling.

Jessie frowned, something seeming to register. "Wait, you're Sammy? But one of the love songs they gave us for the audition was with Holly and Sammy!"

Illinois glared at her, clearly pissed about what had happened that night. "Yeah, so?" he asked like it was a challenge.

Linus gestured at Texas. "She's Holly," he informed matter of factly. "Won't you two have fun," he said as the two looked at each other with a mixture of shock, horror, and disdain.

Looking at the drama going on all around, Connecticut turned to Missouri and dead-panned "I'm glad that we're just stage crew."

The next morning, much to everyone's chagrin, was their first rehearsal. But no one dreaded it more than Texas; it would be the first time she would see America since the "incident." Even though she hadn't told him what happened, Jessie didn't doubt that someone else had done the honors. And by the looks on America's face when he pulled her aside after France (their impromptu musical director) had taught the states a song, Jessie was right.

"So, how much trouble did you get in?" Linus crossed his arms as Jessie reentered the room.

She crossed her arms. "Enough," she growled with an eye roll for emphasis. "He forbids me from going back to the rodeo for the next month - and paid off Billy to make sure of it!"

"Wow." Massachusetts blinked in surprise. "Guess he finally read that 'Nimrod's Guide to Parenting 10+ Kids' China gave him."

With a moody huff and glance at the Masshole, Jessie plopped down into the nearest auditorium chair as America reentered the room.

"So," the self-proclaimed hero began as he walked down to the front of the room to stand beside France, "as a little compensation for Indiana, he gets to pick which section of that song we get to play around with first."

Still a little delusional from his meds, an evil smirk crossed Henry's face. "How about Holly's part? Sorry, Alabama."

Richie's eyes widened with shock and embarrassment as Jessie's narrowed with resentment towards Indiana. The worse part was knowing she couldn't get him back for it later.

"You heard him - come on down, you guys!" America smiled, putting his hands on his hips. Reluctantly, both of the states got up and walked down the isles to the front.

"Don't be afraid to dance around a bit, _cheries_ - get a feel for what we might do with the choreography," France noted with a wink and a smirk. He began to play the opening bars to the part of "Saturday Night in the City" on the piano.

Alabama was able to do his part just fine - he pretty much had to stand there and look horrified. For Texas, it was another story.

"_Check out the view_

_You'll like what you see._

_My body's an amusement park,_

_The - _can we stop?!" She groaned, cutting off her own half-mumbled lyrics.

America frowned at the two, and Oklahoma, who had been slouching tapping her foot to use some excess energy, perked up a bit. There were two things she could accomplish by butting in - one-upping Texas, who she didn't exactly get along with, and at the same time getting to help with the show. Without further hesitation, she jumped up.

"Can you play it again, France?" she asked sweetly as she walked to where Texas and Alabama were standing. Swinging herself up to the edge of the stage, she said to Texas, "let me help you with that."

Frowning, Jessie stood there stubbornly with her arms crossed. "We were doing fine," she growled.

"Not really. Come on, she's just trying to help," France defended Constanza as he played the opening bars of the verse.

Angry, Texas hopped down and took one of the seats in the front row as Constanza began singing and dancing.

"_Check out the view_

_You'll like what you see,"_

Oklahoma sang, swinging her hips and shimmying seductively.

"_My body's an amusement park_

_The first ride's on me._

_Don't stop to question -"_

At this, she stepped toward him, leading Richie to step away -

"_If you're gonna score._

_Being young and stupid is what Saturday is foooor!" _

She stepped so close to him that he nearly tripped off the edge of the stage. Everyone clapped, whooping and laughing immaturely. Her dancing had been provocative enough to make Alabama seem utterly humiliated - basically, it had done exactly what it was supposed to in the scene.

Even America clapped. "That was really great. No wonder I gave you such a good part, Jessie."

Constanza, who had just been beaming, put her hands on her hips as her face fell. "I am NOT Jessie! Why do you keep getting us mixed up? I'm a Native American and, for crying out loud, she's a freaking GINGER!"

Texas stood up, angrily shouting "Who are you calling a ginger?!"

"Oh, whoops." America rubbed his chin thoughtfully - it wasn't a look he often wore. "Well, do you have a good part?"

Rubbing her arm awkwardly, Constanza murmured "Not really…"

Alfred smiled. "Well then, consider yourself Linda! She's a pretty good dancing part, right?"

Oklahoma nodded enthusiastically before she abruptly stopped. "Well, it is, but I wouldn't want to take the part away from -"

"Oh, no!" Mississippi interrupted. "Please, take it." Both her and her brother seemed to sigh in relief, although Alabama still looked burdened.

"Well then…awesome! I'll do it!" Constanza hopped off the stage, bouncing back to her seat. "Glad I could help," she sang sweetly to Texas as she passed.

"Don't worry, Darcy, we'll find another part for you," France added with a smile at his daughter.

"Take your time with it," she commented quietly.

Pissed at Constanza, Texas stood with newfound determination. "Let me try it again," she ordered as she walked over to the piano.

Alabama began to protest, but Jessie silenced him by beginning to sing before France had even begun playing. Granted, she was a bit more anger-driven than Constanza had been, but rolling her shoulders, flinging her fiery braid around, reaching out to grab Richie's arm and sliding around, she was pretty good in her own right.

When she finished the verse, both her and Richie were red faced - her from all of the energy she had put into that dance, and him just from being…"seduced."

No one clapped louder than France. "You go, Jessica! My son really needs to get some!"

At this Richie stepped so abruptly away from Texas that, landing by the edge of the stage, he lost his balance and actually did fall off of it.

"Woah!" Tennessee, who had been sitting by the front, got to him first. "Are you alright?!"

"Dixie!" Mississippi ran over, and seeing that he was unharmed, sighed in relief and ruffled his hair. "Don't do that again, Loverboy," she teased, referring to the heart on his sleeve.

"Don't plan on it," he laughed lightly, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head.

"Okay," Alfred said, clapping his hands together. "In the interest of keeping you guys alive at least for today, how about we do some set work before learning another song?"

"Wait, we have to make our own set?" Missouri raised an eyebrow.

"Not exactly, I had it built in China," Alfred explained. "However, if you guys paint it I don't have to pay someone to do it."

This earned a collective round of groans.

"Now come on, guys!" America took a bite of a hamburger and spoke through a full mouth. "Anyway, my secretary typed up a list so you all know what to paint. I have a world meeting to go to, so you older states have to supervise. The set's in the halls - get cracking!"

"Alright, come on guys," Massachusetts sighed. "Sooner we get this over with, the sooner we leave."

Everyone grabbed a copy off of the list off of the piano. California squealed with delight. "I get to paint the pink wardrobe!"

"That's great," Florida said with a smile. Although Daisy wasn't as…well, blonde as California, she was her friend.

"And we get to work on the backset for the chapel," Tennessee said, walking up to Alabama.

"Oh, um, right," he replied kind of awkwardly. Despite their close geography, the two didn't seem to interact too much.

Walking into the wings together, the two stopped and frowned at the background they were going to work on.

"So…do you know how we're supposed to paint it?"

"Apparently, with rollers," Alba said, holding up two of them that had been laying by the large set.

"Huh…do you know how to use them?"

She frowned at the thing and shrugged. "I have some sort of idea. Guess America just didn't think this through very well?"

"What else is new?" He said quietly with a smile.

Tennessee snorted with a smile, cocking an eyebrow at Richie weirdly.

Alabama looked up questioningly, asking "What?"

She stopped laughing suddenly, grinning sheepishly. "Honestly, I just never knew you were…funny. You're always just so quiet."

Henry rubbed the pink heart on his sleeve, which was the "heart of Dixie", awkward despite the truth in this statement. It's not that he didn't like the other states; he was just really shy. He spoke softly, and not that often, either. The only state Tennessee could think of who probably really knew him was his twin, Mississippi; the two were attached at the hip.

"Yeah, I guess so," he shrugged as he poured some pale blue paint into the roller pan.

Alabama was obviously feeling uncomfortable, so Tennessee just decided to drop it. She rolled one of her rollers into the paint.

They painted mostly in silence for a few minutes. Alba bit her lip, trying to think of something to say. It just felt too weird, too quiet, despite all of the noise of the others around them.

"So, you excited about the show?" She looked up suddenly at Richie's timid voice.

"Well…yeah," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. "I think it's going to be a lot of fun."

"I guess so. I'm…." Alabama allowed his voice to trail off.

Tennessee's brow furrowed as she put her hand on her hip. "You're what?" she asked curiously.

Rubbing his shoulder Richie silently confessed "I'm not sure what I got the part."

"You're kidding, right?" Tennessee rolled her eyes lightly, going back to painting. "There are plenty of other male states. You got it because you're good."

"Hey, Tennessee!" Jessie called from somewhere amongst the backstage chaos.

"Yeah?!" Alba whipped around quickly, her freshly-dipped roller smacking Richie across the ear.

Alabama turned around, looking sort of shocked. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" The sincerity in her voice was unmistakable, if not slightly hidden beneath disbelieving laughter.

Picking up a portion of the drop cloth from the floor, Richie tried to rub some of the paint off. "Oh, um, it's okay…it'll come off." He smiled like a real trooper.

"Alba!" Texas called, sounding more impatient. "Missouri's bugging me with some questions about the guitars for the show."

"Just a sec!" Tennessee called through cupped hands. She turned back to Alabama. "Well, I guess you're not the type to try and hit me back. So how about I make it up to you, give you some guitar lessons for the show? I mean, I'm not going to have to play it, but you definitely will."

Richie laughed awkwardly. "You don't have to…make anything up to me."

"That's okay, I want to," Alba reassured. "Besides, France had wanted me to start helping you out with that." She turned to walk to where Texas was calling her, smiling.


End file.
